Interview: Afternoon Delight (or The Misconceived Idea of a Sexual Orientation)

Craig, 28 - Everett, Washington

I am a con artist. Not the greatest pick-up line, but really, I am great at it. I probably realized how masterful I am when I got my current job; I had to take a psychometric test. If you have never taken one, allow me to vaguely explain how they work. You have a number of different evaluations that measure different aspects of your life: skills, numerical ability, ethics, values, and so on. There must be hundreds of different tests, but mine had an open question: What are you good at? I reflected upon the idea, and came to a conclusion. Because I could not talk about vain things —it was a job interview after all— I decided to use a hurtful part of my life, and employ it in a professional manner, so I wrote: I am persuasive. Two days later, I received a call from one of the partners at the law firm to congratulate me for getting the position. But five minutes after I was already drearily visualizing what my future might hold in store: The hallway talks about the secretaries; poker nights with equity partners; the occasional strip-club. Don’t get me wrong, state law prohibits discrimination on sexual orientation and gender identity, so my romantic orientation to men is not the problem… my sexual orientation is. I am asexual. So, what is really the problem if I will never be liable for, example, sexual harassment in the work place? Well, people don’t understand what asexuality is. Something as simple and harmless as asexuality has been stigmatized —even in-community discrimination is appalling. So, believe me: I am persuasive.

*

First it was my high school prom night, in a small fishing town near the Canadian border. I don’t live there anymore, but imagine a pot-smoking nature retreat with cheap lobster tail. Amazing. I had a date for prom, my high school crush, Adam. It was nothing out of the ordinary, we were just two kids who wanted to know each other, and spend more time together, and my classmates were not an issue, but, the things is, sometimes with certain life events, come expectations. I don’t feel I was pressured into sex, but I was not pleased with what happened. How can you explain to the guy or girl you like that you would like to just cuddle in bed all night long? The Parkland High School prom took place in front of the piers. It was kind of an outdoorsy affair, with hanging lights from tree to tree, and woodcutter party-outfits. I had a great time with my friends and Adam. We hold hands and kissed like any other couple at prom, and just like the rest, we head home to seal the deal. How else are you supposed to end your prom night, right? I saw Adam undress in his bedroom, his body in the darkness of the night. He was so handsome. I did’t know what to do, but I liked him, so I had to do something, right? It went slow, and it all eventually worked out. He was happy, and I was… rattled. For the next few days, all my friends talked about prom. Bragging their sexual adventures with the boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, or stranger. I had nothing to brag about. It had happened, but not because I desired it. I became aware that I did it for Adam. A monotonous mirror of affections, with a lot of feelings.

Or a crowded bar, all gathered around a small round table with vodka sodas, and neat scotch. Five soon-to-be lawyers in friendly banter. “Marisa did something amazing last night. She’s been taking yoga classes,” said one of them. “Walt’s been working out lately. Every time I see him I get hard,” said another one. I guess it is my turn now. Getting laid and its predominance over professional excellence, I thought. “Well, there is a really hot guy in my corporate income taxation class. I’d love to get the old in-out,” I said. All of them laughed and appreciated my Clock Work Orange reference.

“Scott likes you,” my friend Elena told me. “We’ve gone out two times, and I do like him, but I am very busy right know, and I don’t think it’s going to work,” I said. The truth is, Scott tried to go have sex on the second date, and I find extremely difficult to explain that I am not interested in sexual activity. That I want to have a relationship based on all the others things that make a relationship, and that if I ever agree on having sexual activity, it is because I want to please my partner.

*

I’ve been working for over two years at the firm. I’ve persuaded collaborators and friends. I’ve made my profession my life. Hardly anyone asks anymore. I am the unsociable hermit; the hikikomori. But then I made a good friend. Her name is Anna. And one day, I explained everything to her:

“I am asexual, Anna. It is not celibacy nor abstinence, it’s asexuality; an orientation, not a choice. It’s not moral superiority, I am just not interested, and do not experience sexual attraction. I am not cold, loveless, and I do not hate sex. I have a romantic orientation that determines the kind of person I am attracted to emotionally or romantically. I guess you can say I am a homo-romantic. As you know, I can have sexual activity, but I only do it for my sexual partner. I think it is important to understand that there is no split dichotomy between sexuality and asexuality. No, I’m not whinnying, and it’s not about being a virgin. Actually, many asexuals don’t know they are asexual until after they’ve already had intercourse. It’s not because we cannot get laid; we have no interest in doing so. Of course not, asexuality does not come from sexual abuse, or mental illness. That is plain ignorant. Sexual orientation is not exclusively determined by a person’s history. Yes, it is true asexuals are not societally oppressed for their asexuality, but we can often be oppressed for our romantic orientation or gender identity. Have you ever heard of “corrective rape”? One of the most despicable acts against the LGBTQIA community, where rape is committed with the intent of “fixing” the victim’s orientation. The truth is, society perpetuates that happy healthy people like sex. If you are not aware of your sexuality, or you are asexual, society makes you feel alone, and “broken.” Asexuality is not as complicated as many may think.”

A familiar song started playing in the diner…

“Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto’s always been; when it’s right, it’s right
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night
When everything’s a little clearer in the light of day
And we know the night is always gonna be there any way…”

The song made me smile, and I understood, even when I was explaining to another person my sexual orientation, that I am the one with the final say. Maybe my afternoon delight is listening to Toshiko Akiyoshi every night; play with my dog, or Scrabble with my neighbor, Frank. Maybe, just cuddling with my boyfriend on the sofa. Persuasion, I said to myself, should only be for work, and never for our own personal life.

Text by J. Alberto Lizárraga Castro