Interview: A Coffee to Go
John, 32 - Denver, Colorado
“I usually stay in every morning, but that day, I didn’t want to. I felt a little bit dizzy, you know. My routine hadn’t changed for years. It was always the same route, most of the time the same people, and, more often than not, the same order: one big silver thermos with hot coffee and no sugar —that I’ve enjoyed countless times— while watching people stroll on the sidewalk. But that one morning was special in a way —I guess a better way to describe it is transcendent— and I attribute my dizziness to its importance. You see, that day I had a doctor’s appointment on 6th Avenue, to get my HIV test results. It was my first time, and I was almost literally shitting my pants, because my stomach was a goddamn mess. Needless to say I was an amateur on the matter that had lived in a bubble of self-restraint, contempt, and fear, for pretty much all of his life. The thing is, I never realized that no one cares about your opinion, and people live their lives the way they want, even if it’s not the best for them. I was very judgmental. I don’t blame it on anyone, it is all about me at the end. It was the way I grew up, and the aversive reaction I have… had for gay drama —I’m still working on it. I just don’t get it, man, why are we so problematic? Everything seems so personal, and such a hard pill to swallow.
*
After a lot of convincing from my friends and some let go from my part, I decided to take a chance and live the experience I had dreaded for so long. So I went out, not to a club, but a strip club. A gay strip club with a drag show. The little venue is in the gay underground district of the city. It is not one of those flashy popular locations you can read about on travel magazines, it is more of a local place. After two busses and a little bit of walking, we were there. There’s a huge sign over the door with green lights all the around the big and chunky white letters of the establishment’s name “Mint.” Have you ever seen Priscilla Queen of the Desert? Well, that’s the vision I had in mind, but the reality was quite different —first, let’s forget about ABBA because there was none of it. When we entered the club there was some music playing, lots of colorful lights, and a varied clientele. In all honesty when I walked through the door I felt like everyone was looking at me like the little virgin who’s embarrassed to be in such a place. And I was. After that awkward moment in my head we got a table and we sat and waited for the next performance. I was still a little bit distressed but no one cared because my friends are regulars and they were exchanging their stories with the club boys. After a while, lights went off, the stage was sparkly, and a very tall brunette stepped out and started singing in Spanish. I had no idea what she was singing about, but it looked dramatic enough to know that it was about love, and probably from the 80’s. Anyway, who cares about lip-singing when the next thing on the show is a full frontal. My eyes were scanning the stage when the half naked vest and jeans cowboy showed up. He started dancing to a catchy Dance song, but suddenly the music stopped and a familiar tune started. The stripper began undressing very slowly to Adele’s Someone Like You. I don’t know if he was trying to be metaphysical or it was just plain bizarre, but the guy was stroking his erect dick to a song about breaking apart. After he was done, another intermediate came and I thought it was time to go, and I somehow convinced my friends.
There is a chic bar near Auraria that attracts all the cool people in the city. We went there because I like it, and it is not indifferent to a gay crowd. After spending most of the night moderately drinking and dancing, I felt a stare. There was a guy looking at me. ‘What should I do?’ was my first thought. I decided to look back and move forward with the situation if there was one. We glanced back and forth for a while, and then he approached me. He was very subtle and confident —two things I really like— and after all, even with all my notions, I wanted to have sex again. Everything was going well, but he had another idea in mind —and another person in mind, too. I don’t want to be too graphic, so I’ll just say that none of them used a condom. And that I’ve never been a top.
*
I never regretted the fact that I took the chance, but I do punish myself for being so foolish to have unprotected sex. The following months were difficult. I didn’t tell you that I work at a software company, and despite the looks, I’m a strong and healthy man. Now, two weeks after my sexual oasis I had a crisis. I got a fever and a really bad cold. The thing is that it went on for weeks, and I started having cold sweats at night. I also got a horrible rash on my back, from all the sweating. I got anxious, but I had to wait three months, right? I was medicated for two months, and I started dealing with the idea that maybe, I had a disease. Dealing with the idea that my rash wasn’t going anywhere… that I could have… it. It’s been the most terrifying experience of my life. Yesterday I went to my doctor’s appointment. I got there and waited for ten minutes. I was thinking ‘Why me?’ and started crying. A man was looking at me but then left because I guess he felt uncomfortable. The doctor called me to his office and he sat me down with his usual unexpressive face. He hand me the results and my life changed forever. Maybe it was all a nightmare, or maybe my own body was reacting to my hypochondriac mind. Who is to say? All I know is that I’ve never been so happy to be a negative person.”
Text by J. Alberto Lizárraga Castro